I’ll never be normal, I’ll never know love again. I’ll never be able to see my daughter. Edward Alan Poe described it best in the beginning of ‘Alone’
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
I had the opportunity to have love, and I lost it. I will never be able to see Katelyn again, I will never know my daughter. I will never know what its like to experience those normal things again, and that is just so painful.
Every night I have such realistic dreams of Katelyn and I, sometimes including Julia our daughter. There so realistic and happy and joyful, then I wake up and just start balling. I’m scared to go to sleep now, because I know I have these dreams. The dreams are so realistic its hard to know there not true until after your awake. When I’m in the dreams i can feel the softness of her skin, the sound of her voice, everything… but when I awaken its all gone.
The truth is it has become to painful for me, I’ve lost the things that I held dearest in my life – these things are never to return again. People say there is hope, but thats just an attempt to fill me with false hope. I will never be allowed to see my daughter or Katelyn ever again.
So its time to just admit I lost, and like all things it must end.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Is this another suicide note?
People say there is hope, but thats just an attempt to fill me with false hope.
Well, I would think it’s an attempt to help you see that which you do not. That if/when Katelyn becomes independent (from my understanding that’s the goal when an adult has a legal guardian, that they will one day get to the point of not needing a guardian), they won’t be able to keep her from you. That when your daughter becomes an adult, they can’t stop her from seeking you out, assuming she will be her own legal guardian. And even if she has a guardian as an adult, if/when she becomes independent of the guardian she can seek you out.
So, I doubt that people are trying to give you false hope, because they do not believe it is false hope. I think people are simply trying to point out things that you don’t see.
Unfortunately, it seems your pain runs deep enough that you still can’t see the hope even when it is pointed out to you, and so you believe it to be false hope. Even more unfortunate, you don’t have the supports you very desperately need to get you through it so that you’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.