Regarding my earlier post, its true. I really want to die, I don’t want to live anymore. Its so painful thinking I will not be there for my daughter’s first words, I’ll never be there when she walks down the aisle, I’ll never get to protect her from horny young guys.
I’m a father, but I never will go through the joys of being a father. I will also never be allowed to be there for Katelyn, she won’t have someone to hit with a frying pan during labor (she joked that she was going to do that). I miss her terribly, and I know I will likely never be allowed to see her again, or ever see my daughter. Living life without my daughter is to painful, loosing Katelyn is even more painful. I do not want to go on, I think about her all day and all night.
So I want to die, except when I went to get my stash of tricyclic antidepresents at my old apartment my apartment was empty….. WTF.
So I’m alive, and not well. Fuck My Life
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Well done Zach, you’ve planned your life out to the last detail. You’ve written the story and now you’re trying to close the book.
Stop it.
Your life is a gift from God. It might not be the sort of life you wanted but it’s the one you’ve been given. Other people have worse lives but they make the most of it (starving children in Africa?)
You’re not clairvoyant, you don’t KNOW the future – and in any case, it’s what you make of it that counts.
Your daughter will almost certainly look you up someday when she’s old enough. (If you haven’t already found each other by then). She will need you one day.
Hang in there.
You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
If you don’t mind me offering an observation, it seems that with all the attempts or near attempts you’ve made on your own life, something has happened every time to stop it. Either you’ve been hospitalized, or in this case, your stash turned up missing. There may have also been other ways you’ve been stopped just in time that we don’t know about. But it does seem that whenever you want to end it, something stops you from doing so.
Since you’re a Christian I will offer a theological perspective and say that I would have to think God is looking out for you, has a plan for your life that you don’t yet understand, and has been putting all those interventions into place all these months. Has it occurred to you that perhaps you’re just not supposed to leave this earth yet?
Now, that’s between you and God. I’m not here to judge, but thought I’d offer that as food for thought.
i agree with gavin on the thing about your daughter will look you up one day. hell you could never know katelyn just might sneak around to see you and bring your daughter to see you plus really if she is over 18 no matter what she is old enough to make her own dicisions there ain’t nothing her parents can do about it even with her condition and as long as you can help take care of her she won’t need her parents there telling her what to do and who she can see. even if you want you could take them to court to have shared custody so then you can see your child you just need to get yourself together and be there for your daughter. please just try doing everything you can do to be able to see your child be a good dad or else she might wonder why her daddy isn’t there and why he is dead or killed himself what ever they might tell her they might not even tell her that you are her dad. but you should want to stay alive for her she should know that you are her dad and she should be able to get to know her and you will never know what might happen if you kill yourself so please stay alive for your daughters sake.
ur friend jean vanness