Its been pretty apparent to those who know me, the last 3 months have been solid mental breakdown for me. I’ve attempted suicide, I’ve made every situation in my life about 200 percent worse then I have ever imagined. To be honest there are four reasons I have identified for my recent breakdown.
- I’m scared Katelyn and/or our daughter may end up dead, I’m so scared of it that I have nightmares about it almost daily. Katelyn has had three open heart surgeries – that fact alone makes Katelyn’s pregnancy extremely high risk. I’m scared I may loose Katelyn, and/or our daughter (and not just adoption loose, but die). I have decided that if Katelyn passes away our daughter will not go up for adoption. If I loose Katelyn, there is no way I can give up our daughter.
- I need Katelyn right now, and I need to be there for her. I’m finding that guys go through emotional changes during pregnancies as well. I became so protective of Katelyn, to the point of being over protective. With the added pressure of Katelyn’s pregnancy being high risk I need to be there for Katelyn, its not just something that I can say shes taken care of – I need to make sure shes taken care of.
- The battling of my brain alone is not something I have ever been good at. I need people around me when I’m in a breakdown, people to act as a sounding board. If I don’t have these people I tend to make the situation worse. What complicates this situation is the fact that some of these people I depend on either trash-talk Katelyn thinking it will help me or are just plain sick of the mess so they do everything they can to avoid me. So I just end up…
- Making the situation worse. I have made the situation so bad, from a situation that time would of just solved to a situation that may never be solved. The problem has now become self-perpetuated and I have feed into it so much that the problems have become so big.
Friends of Katelyn and I insist Katelyn still loves me, but shes scared right now with the pregnancy thing and my breakdown on top of it that she can only handle one of those situations. I fear that I have made the situation so bad with Katleyn’s guardian that I will never get a chance to try and get her back.
After I tried and killed myself the patient sitter I had at Borgess Hospital was trying to get me to let her call Katelyn, I wanted to call her myself so bad but I knew they would not let me get through. So I just sit there with my laptop looking at pictures of us crying (and I’m crying again at the library as I type this).
My biggest fear right now is that Katelyn will end up dead and/or our daughter will end up dead and that I will not of been there for her.
My next biggest fear is because of my breakdown a situation that time would resolve has become a situation that will not be resolved, a situation that is now a no win situation.
