So I thought I would post a list of things that make up the crap of my life. Why? Because people don’t seem to understand why my life is so craptastic. People think I whine, moan and bitch for no reason. Perhaps these people don’t have the full picture, or perhaps they are just morons. In order to remove one of the possibilities I give you an education on what is my life.
I’ve lost my daughter and will never see her - Yes, I’ve lost my daughter. The adoption agency handling the adoption refuses to let me be part of her life due to the fact I have Aspergers Syndrome. I wonder what she looks like, what colors eyes she has, if shes gonna be beautiful like her mom and all that jazz. I will never know these things. This alone is enough to really hurt anyone, but there is more.
I Still Love Kate - Yes, I’m madly in love with her. Yes she really screwed, but so did I. I forgive her, because I know that she was really scared because of the pregnancy. The truth is, so was I.
Kate still loves me - Yes, I got a letter from Kate saying so. I don’t know if her guardian knows about the letter, authorized it or what. This makes it so much harder for me when I wonder how shes doing and if shes okay.
Kate’s Parents and Guardian hate me - Kate’s parents and guardian hate me, for some good reasons. I melted down, said things I should not of said, was stupid, etc. They don’t realize how scared I was. I was told if Kate ever got pregnant she would die. I was so scared and could not handle it.
I have a heart condition now – My pulse at rest is about 120-130. A normal persons is about 60-80. So my heart beats at double the speed of a normal person.
I have a broken heart too - I want to be with the woman I love so much, and she wants to be with me. But because of the situation we can’t and it kills me inside.
My mom is mad because I didn’t push Kate to have an abortion – Yes. This pisses me off. Its much easier for me knowing my daughter is alive, then knowing she is dead.
Loosing friends – Kates guardian is telling mutual friends they can no longer talk to me if they wan’t to talk to Kate. So I’m loosing a lot of good friends.
My dog – I’ve lost my dog. My dog helped me so much.
Watching Friends With Their Kids - I went to church, and it seems like everyone is pregnant and or playing with their kids. I will never be able to have that. EVER!
I’ve lost my place in the fire academy – I’ve lost my place in the fire academy because of all the shit in my life. I worked for over a year to get in and now i’m out.
I’ve lost my best friend – Katelyn was not only my lover, she was my best friend. I could talk to her about anything. I miss her so much.
My car is dying – My car is on its last legs, and I don’t have money to replace it.
I’m in huge debt – I’m over $4,000 in debt and don’t have any income to pay it off. Good luck getting a job with my new CCH and economy.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I don’t know that you’ll be able to find out about eye colours until she’s 6 or 7 months old, as all babies up to that point have blue eyes.
Your list is a big loss list. There are actually tests for stress and life events and yours would come up very highly.
I didn’t know that about eye color
Well, it’s to do with hormones and chemicals.
The change may or may not happen later.
It is mostly in European babies.
And it’s to do with the melantin. For instance green eyes have low to medium melatin, and brown or black eyes have high melatin.
You might like to find out a bit more here
(They also seem to change under stressful conditions: this may be another reason to get sleep).
what she says is true and what is in the link she put on here is true my dad he had brown eyes up until him and my mom got divorced then his eyes turned green.it is weird but true. also some one i know it was weird also his eyes were green and in the lines he had some golden brown in there too. and also some one else i know it is cool for his eyes i have never seen the kind of blue eyes he has except on a dog. his eyes r almost the same color blue as a husky. i would love to have his eyes. i thought i would put this on here to let u know what i know.
Jean– green eyes with golden brown flecks are called Hazel eyes, which is what I have
but aside from the whole eye color issue….
Zach, I know your life is craptastic. And even though it’s true, I won’t bore you with tripe about how other people’s lives suck worse than yours because in your state of mind, it doesn’t matter anyway. So let’s tackle that list shall we?
I’ve lost my daughter and will never see her- Really? How sure are you about that? Why? Because WHO said so? What authority do THEY have to say that you will NEVER see her? They can’t stop her or you after she’s 18, yanno. And in the meantime, perhaps you can find a Lay Person Advocate to help you with legal matters to FIX it. Those are free, usually.
I Still Love Kate – Yes, isn’t love grand? How is this a bad thing? In and of itself?
Kate still loves me – This is beautiful! It’s much better when they love you back!
Kate’s Parents and Guardian hate me– Well, that does bite, doesn’t it? Yes, you probably contributed towards those opinions and I see it keeps you away from her. At this time. Whose to say what can happen in the future? Only God, my friend.
I have a heart condition now – Other than taking your own pulse, how has this diagnosis been obtained? Of course your heart rate is double the average. You’re contemplating suicide! Who’s heart rate would NOT be that high?? You’re comparing your heart to someone who is in a relaxed, non-stressed state. Even when you’re at rest, you’re not non-stressed! Unfair comparison.
I have a broken heart too – Yeah, okay, that’s just plain craptastic and I could give you a bunch of platitudes about life going on and you’ll get over her, etc. But you won’t believe them and it’ll be a waste of typing space… it DOES suck to have a broken heart. I’ve had them. I understand. But still, not sure that as craptastic as it is, if it’s warranting suicide.
My mom is mad because I didn’t push Kate to have an abortion — Okay, you’re mom’s opinions are crappy to say the least. Especially since they do not coincide with your own or Kate’s (and possibly her parents and Guardian). So, can’t do anything about it now. Tell her to get over it. Maybe she doesn’t realize the point is moot, now?
Loosing friends — now that just bites the big one! But… legally Kate’s friends are entitled to be friends with you regardless of their friendship with Kate. There is NO legal grounds for this guardian to stipulate that Kate’s friends MUST stay away from you at all times, only if Kate is going to be with them when they are with you (another craptastic issue, I’m sure). So, if these friends of yours are leaving you, maybe you need to remind them of this?
And you could make NEW friends. I know how hard it is, trust me. But you can
My dog – I’ve lost my dog– Where did he or she go?? I got cats. You can have one of my cats! They need a good home and they cuddle much easier than dogs **nodsnods**
Watching Friends With Their Kids – Yeah. As someone who has lost a child, this hurt. Even though I have two sons now… this still gets me because the child I lost was a girl and I only have boys now. So, when I see little girls… it’s… sad sometimes. Other times, not so much. Don’t even notice. Time can lessen the pain of grief. Won’t ever go away completely, but it does lessen over time.
I’ve lost my place in the fire academy – How do you go about getting it back? What actions can you take to correct this? Why did you lose it (I mean, your reason given was vague). Was it that you failed to do something because your focus was elsewhere or something along those lines?
My car is dying – That stinks, you betcha. But walking might be good for you. Give you more time to think and pray
I’m in huge debt – Okay, here’s the thing. As huge of an amount that is, you’re quite fortunate. I’ll trade my debt of $55,000 for yours
But seriously, there is nothing you can do about your debt right now, right? No job prospects.. no income… so no worries 
Yep, I said it. “No Worries.” The things you need to focus on are things you can do something about. It is futile to sit here worrying about things that you cannot fix yourself. Find out the things you CAN do and do those things. For these others? Put them in Jesus’ in-box. It’s HIS job. Now, you don’t have to work or worry about it because He is on the job! See? Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
Okay, so it’s not that easy but it’s what gets us through our craptastic lives. One day at a time….
@Heather, seeing as you apparently know more then me about my life why don’t you live my life. People like you piss me off.
“My car is dying – That stinks, you betcha. But walking might be good for you. Give you more time to think and pray ”
Pray that you won’t get run over by one of the cars going 70mph on a highway you’d have to cross to walk between where you are and where you’d go, maybe. Not everyone has a safe path to walk on between home and the places he or she needs to go!
Zach, you’re right. My post was total bullshit and nothing there was worth sharing or reading for you. I won’t comment again on your blog.