The Valley of The Shadow of Death

Right now im a hole in life, I went from going to be married in less then 2 months, having a kid in seven months, having my life together for once and doing so good to being in completle shambles.Its hard not to blame Kate, its hard not to be angry at Kate for what she has done.  I made the choice to stay with Kate after she bit me, after she accused me of beating her before to please her mother, after her own parents warned me she is too much to handle, a drama queen, etc.  But I did not listen – and I thought the world of Kate, and she could do no wrong in my eyes.

I should of seen the abuse and manipulation, the bitting and hitting, and always lying.  Everytime she would lie or manipulate she would always come back and say she loved me, but the truth is Kate loved attention, not me.

The fact that Kate wanted to sleep with another girl, and then another guy is hurtful.  But I didn’t say anything, I just prayed.  I should of said something, I should of ended it – but I did not.  The fact that Kate made me choose between her and good friends of mine that have always been there for me (and still are) should of told me to leave her – but I did not.

The fact that she called all my friends and claimed I beat her just to please her mother, should of told me to run.  The fact that she threatened to abort the baby if I left her should of told me to run – I did not.

And now she accuses me of raping her, beating her and holding her hostage.  She accuses me of attempting to force her to sleep with guys and girls.  I am so thankful that I have friends who are willing to stand up for the truth, friends who documented Kates behaviors when they saw the abuse she was doing, friends that documented the times I encouraged her to call her mother, times I encouraged her to have alone time with girlfriends.

I have to say I am extremely thankful that the girl Kate wanted to sleep with (and actually was planning on sleeping with Thursday) came forward, even though she fears the reaction of her parents if they find out.  I am extremely willing that she is going to testify in court that Kate initiated sexual stuff already with her, on her own free will and desire.

I’m so thankful God has put people in my life who are going to stand up for the truth, I am so thankful that the baby is still alive, and I am thankful that God got me out of reach of Kates abuse before we are married.

But I can’t help to blame myself.  I choose to stay wth Kate, I choose Kate over friends, I choose not to leave Kate when she lied, cheated on me, bit me, so this is my fault.  Now I can’t just walk away – there is a child.  I am expected to support this child, love this child, and be responsible when it comes to this child.  I fear for this child, I cry for this child.  I don’t love Kate anymore, but the fact that there is a child, and that child is part of me makes it so I can’t just walk away.  I need to responsible, be an adult, and support this child in whatever way I legally can, and I intend to.