I’m getting really sick of this shit crap. I am deciding whether I want to live or die, and to be honest I want to die. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if I kill myself, Kate will be destroyed by it. Two days after my mom tells me I should of aborted my daughter, and that it would of been easier she drops of baby clothes and blankets that she made for my daughter. Then Wednesday I have an appointment to get counseling from an adoption agency I don’t trust that has repeatedly screwed me over. An adoption agency that did not seek my input at all im just supposed to trust to give me counseling. HELL NO!
I will never see my daughter, and on top of that I will never see the love of my life Katelyn again. I really want to die, I don’t see a point in going on. Right now the only reason I keep going on is knowing how much if I end it I would devastate Katelyn and possibly my daughter – even though she will likely never know.
Then I have friends right now who abandon me, or refuse to talk about what is hurting me the most. I have a church who is encouraging friends to abandon me, on top of Kate’s guardian who is forcing mutual friends to decide who they want to be friends with.
I don’t want to live right now, every minute I have to fight crying. Every time I’m out and about and see a baby I feel like beating myself up, every time I log on facebook and see some happy couple with their kids I cry, every time I see Allegan’s camera on the news I cry and think Kate is living 500 yards away from that camera.
I don’t have anything to live for anymore, I’ve lost it all. I just don’t want to hur t Katelyn by dying so I try to keep going forward, but I can’t do it much longer.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I think if she put your name on the birth certificate as the father she can not legally put her up for adoption with out you signing off. never ever sign those papers. and if they do tell them you want a copy and then get a writing analisit person to tell if your signitare matches the one on the birth certifacate. if they do not match you may be able to sue them.
please don’t give up. do everything you can to be there for your daughter. even if you have to fight it in court. just stay here on earth for another 50 – 70 years. you will find someone else if kate don’t come around if u 2 really are over. which i hope everything works out for you and she comes back and u 2 can raise that little girl together. i wish u good luck and happiness and for u 3 to get back together.
Zach,
You need to read over some of your old postings. They clearly demonstrate bi-polar activity. You’re experiencing extreme mood swings and these coupled with some very good reasons (right now) for feeling depressed are creating an unsafe environment for you.
I know that right now, you feel very alone but you’d be surprised how many people care about you. I also know that you feel that you’re only living for Katelyn and your daughter. That you don’t feel like living for yourself.
It will pass.
You need to let go and move on. Start living your life for yourself.
Make a list of achievable things that you’d like to do. Movies or concerts you’d like to see, places you’d like to go and things you’d like to do/try (eg: Scuba Diving).
Make sure that you “wish” for things that don’t depend on other people. Then start trying to achieve that list. You might find that you begin to enjoy life again.
Gavin’s right. As a fellow bi polar sufferer you sound lke that is what you have. You have every reason to be depressed , sweetheart, anyone would in your circumstances. Have you spoken to a doctor about how you feel? She/he could prescribe medication even if only temporarily. Believe me they help and you may begin to see things differently. Take Gavins advice , you have much to live for , although you can’t see it now. The world would be a lesser place without you . I am praying daily for you.
Great post Garvin, thank you for helping! God bless…
“I think if she put your name on the birth certificate as the father she can not legally put her up for adoption with out you signing off. never ever sign those papers. ”
If you do refuse to allow the adoption, you should be a single father for Julia instead of leaving anything to Kate.
Kate’s obviously determined to not raise Julia since she’s trying to place Julia for adoption. If you keep Julia but think feeding her, changing her diapers, etc. will overwhelm your sensory issues so you leave that work to Kate Kate then Kate’s life is ruined (she’d have less time to do the things she needs to do to fix her own life) and/or Julia’s life is ruined (if Kate can’t or doesn’t do that work and you don’t either).