Even though I can’t talk to Katelyn  on Mother’s day I thought I would make something special for her.  I hope one day she can read it.

I remember sitting with you in that room
waiting for the results on that big test
when we got the news you were scared
but I knew you would do your best

You and I did one of the most wonderful things
We brought a beautiful thing into this world
For nine months you nurtured and cared for her
and on the 4th week you even hurled

Knowing we could not provide for her
you did an extremely loving and thoughtful act
You gave our daughter up for adoption
But your still a good mother, that’s a fact.

Thank you for being such a great mother
I know it has not been easy for you
I am so proud of you, you did a great job
These things I only wish you knew

A poem.

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view

By Edward Alan Poe

A poem I wrote about the funk that I currently live in.

I’m sitting here waiting
watching day by day pass by
Wondering if I’ll see my daughter
Not being there and wondering why

I think of the pain that I’m going through
and how much I need Katelyn right now
but shes not here so I cry out for her
and wonder how much pain God will allow

I keep the last letter I received from Kate
always close by to remind me of her
to hope and pray that one day she’ll be back
and things will be again the way they were

Every night I have dreams of Katelyn
my arms around her in infinite caress
talking, loving, kissing, laughing
then I wake up in such massive distress

So I sit her waiting for my love to return
but its so painful sitting here all alone
so sometimes I mess up and make a mess
my heart feels like its turning into stone.

A poem about the current situation with Kate and my daughter, Julia.

Julia, I remember when I first found out about you
Sitting there with your mom in the doctors room
So nervous and scared waiting for the answer
Then we found out you were in her womb

After that I got really scared
I did things I should not of done
Said things that I should not of said
I did a lot of things that hurt your mother a ton

But I still love her, and I still love you
I wish I could fix this huge mess
Make it easier, make it happier, make it better
I messed up I must confess

I’m scared I have lost you forever
Just like I’m scared I may have lost your mother
I want you both in my life, even as friends
I know Katelyn is one of a kind, I wont find another

I also know your one of a kind, Julia
You were made of love, not of hate
Even though others may say otherwise
I absolutely love your mother – Kate

A last poem for my love, Katelyn.

I can no longer struggle through this
I can no longer bear the pain
I’ve lost my love, lost my daughter
and it will never be the same again

I miss kissing your forehead
You holding me as I cried
I can’t get through this alone
Without you at my side

The last words I said to you in person were
I could never be angry with you
The reason is you loved me like no one else would
You stuck with me through and through

I don’t blame you as you tried
You fought for the truth, and whats right
Your parents abused, manipulated, and lied
But now I’m alone and can no longer fight

Take care of our daughter and yourself
Please make sure she goes to someone that will love her
Make sure shes taken care of and nurtured
A Christian family I would prefer

I have dropped of pictures for you
A copy of this poem, and a locket of my hair
I hope you hold them close to you
Just like a teddy bear

Casey Abbott has some instructions
on things I want and desire
And some things for you
Some things you might require

Please remember I always loved you
I always cherished you like a jewel
But I can’t get through this alone anymore
Living in this world without you is just to cruel

Also know I don’t blame you
You tried your hardest, you fought the fight
but your parents lied, manipulated and abused
Killing our relationship was their delight

I love  you Katelyn, and always will.

The truth about how abusive Katelyn’s parents are can be seen here.

A poem for Kate. 

Its been nearly three months since I’ve seen you
The last time a saw you your belly was flat
Now people say its the size of a volleyball
I just can’t take that

I’m expected to give up my daughter
Even though I know its for the best
But I don’t even know her
It makes me so depressed

How can I grieve the loss of a daughter I never knew
Without the person I am closest too
All I do is think and cry
The feelings I wish I could subue

All I need right now is to hear your voice
To wrap my arms around you
and kiss you on the forehead
Its so long overdue

But I can’t
I just sit here in Kalamazoo
Crying, scared, and alone
But still loving you.

More poetry, I wrote this down in Illinois last night.

I’m in this mess you and I made
I can’t seem to find my way out
I’m scared, overwhelmed, and worried
and most of all I feel so betrayed.

I have been consumed by your lies
I have been destroyed by your games
This is leading to my demise
But the one thing I need is

To be held close by you
To cry on your shoulder
I really wonder if you only knew
How much I needed you

But right now the pain is great
Missing being there for our kids life
Not being with my soul mate
Its  so agonizingly painful

I really miss you Kate
I want us to make this right
but right now all I can do is wait
but its killing me not being there.

Your Mom, Dad and the closest to family I knew
we had disagreements, but I still miss you all
so I sit, and cry here all alone in Kalamazoo
abandoned, scared, anxious, and so depressed.

My only hope is you do whats right
I know its scary, but its the right thing to do
so your own advise I’m going to recite
“The truth will set us free”

So I have been encouraged to write poetry about my feelings, and here is my first try.Yes, its about Kate.  If I could talk to her this is what I would say:
I sit here lonely in the middle of the storm
I lay crying every night holding on to your shirt
trying to imagine you laying right at my side
I hope you do understand how much I hurt

Knowing our child is growing so fast
and not being able to be at your side
it hurts so much, I feel so numb
I want to be there, the tears I cannot hide

The pain is unbearable, I’ve started to cut
watching the blood flow our of my arm
along with the blood comes relief
It seems so bad, but it raises no alarm

I often sit here wondering where you are
I’m in the middle of this firestorm of lies and hate
I keep looking for my partner, the one I love
but shes fueling the fire, it makes me irate

I don’t see no point, no point to live
I’ve lost it all – the fire academy, my pet
my dignity and even my apartment
but my love for you I will not forget

Hoping you’ll say the truth, for the sake of
you, myself and the lovely new life
is what keeps me going through nights
hoping we will raise it together, you as my wife

I’ve lost many friends because I still love you
they say shes crazy, a psychoctic girl
But I still love you, your sweet, your kind
your beautiful and lovely much like pearl

I think back to my memories of you
all the memories, both good and bad
but I can’t remember the sound of you voice
I lay here crying, so miserable and sad

I can’t go on much longer like this
it hurts, its agonizing, its painful
the lies cut deeper into my heart
the end of me, is about to start

I want to keep fighting for us
You I, and the soon to be kid
but I can’t fight the web of lies myself
you lied, hurt me then ran and hid

Now I’m alone, in the firestorm of lies
fighting the lies, my partner left me behind
no way to keep going, i am so overwhelmed
the lies overtake me, killing my mind

I scream for help, you do not answer
I cry out, beg scream and plead
I can’t do this alone, its to much
please come help, come help me indeed

I need my partner, my best friend, my love
I cry out, searching and looking for you
you promised to never leave me behind
but you did, and I can not pursue

I miss Kate so much, and I forgive her and love her.  I hope her and I will be able to come together, forgive each other and be excellent parents for our soon to be child.